I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I am available for nakedness
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
