Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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