you guys were way drunker than both of me
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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