I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
