Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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