I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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