I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
