yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
