y did u give ur computer a hand job?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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