You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
