chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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