I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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