"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
