Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
