For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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