My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
