The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
