I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
i out mim tonsoeep
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