You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
