Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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