This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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