I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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