As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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