i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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