My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
