Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
