Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Bring me that man meat
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
