I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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