I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
