I want to make a zoo with you.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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