in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
