you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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