my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize