Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
