the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Randomize
