Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
It's rum buckets o'clock
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