I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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