I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i dont even know how to be here
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
