dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
