So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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