if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
