please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
