just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
