Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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