so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
