I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
