I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
