i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
