Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
