i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
