i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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