I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
This is the high leading the old right now
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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