oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize