lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
