So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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