my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
