I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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