ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
