hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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