Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
