Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
