He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
