you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
