Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
